


I’m No Good, You’re No Better

by Starspankled



Category: The Front Bottoms
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff, High School, M/M, Romance, drugs?, fluff?, yup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 18:42:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7903519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starspankled/pseuds/Starspankled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian and Mat have got to figure things out, because people move on.  Basically it's a super long fic about two boys who grew up (emotionally and mentally) to have a healthy mature relationship. </p><p>*Title Credit- No Good by Knuckle Puck*</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’m No Good, You’re No Better

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, hello. It is me your author. It's currently 2:48 am and I finally decided to post this fic on here. Also for more fics pls visit my tumblr http://www.sellakink.tumblr.com (Just so you all can see I posted this first kay?) Also, if you guys like this fic pls comment... And I'll post all the like 20 other fics I have. (you can also read this fic and all te others on my blog!) Anyways, thanks for reading!

Brian was really fucked. Not even the acceptable kind of fucked. It was the kind of fucked that makes people panic and become hermits. 

Brian was heavily considering becoming a hermit. 

It wasn’t like he planned on having a crush on Lily. She was just so nice and had big green doe eyes. She liked to smoke joints and skipped class whenever she wanted to. She had faded rainbow hair and her brown roots were showing. She smoked cigarettes on school property and talked back to teachers.  
She was just really cool, okay?

But she was dating Mat and Mat meant so much to Brian. He’d rather be alone forever than even try to date anyone that Mat even thought was a little cute. But Brian couldn’t help how he felt. Whenever he was around her his heart would flutter and he’d get an uncomfortable squeeze in his throat. He always sorta felt like he was gonna puke, but in a really good way. 

But then, Lily broke up with Mat and as much as Brian hated to admit it, he felt like a weight was lifted from his chest. He felt like he could finally breathe again. But it only lasted for a little while. Then he felt guilty and like a shitty friend. He’d found out from people that saw the violent breakup, meaning he hadn’t seen Mat yet. 

When he finally saw Mat he felt even more shitty. It’d been midnight when rocks hit his window. He opened it to find Mat standing outside without shoes on and tear stained cheeks.

“Can I come in?” Mat pleaded instead of asked. 

“I don’t know, can you?” Brian replied trying to lighten the mood. Mat grumbled and clambered into Brian’s first floor room tripping over the window frame on his way in. He landed on his face and stayed there. 

Brian sat down next to Mat and stretched his legs out. He snuck his left hand under the shirt Mat was wearing and rubbed circles on his back. Then Mat started to cry. It was like a dam broke loose. A flood of sobs filled the once empty space. Brian just continued to rub Mats back.  
About an hour later Mats sobs had turned into sniffles. By that time Brian’s ass was asleep and his arm really hurt from rubbing circles on Mats back, but he’d never complain, ever.

“Mat?” Brian tentatively asked Mats slightly shaking figure. It took a while for him to even roll over. Brian let him take his time and cheered him on with soft nudges of encouragement. 

When Mat turned around he pulled Brian onto him. Brian’s head was on Mats chest but his butt was in the air and he felt kinda self conscious. Mostly because his butt was in the air, but also because Mat had his nose pressed into Brian’s hair and he hadn’t washed it in like a week.  
“You smell so good,” Mat mumbled into Brian’s hair. That made Brian go really really red and he was glad Mat couldn’t see, because even though he was heartbroken he’d still make fun of Brian. 

“Thanks,” Brian squeaked and moved to straddle Mat, because his back would really hurt if he stayed in that weird bent position. Mat repositioned his arms and Brian made himself comfortable.

This was new for them. Brian couldn’t remember a time they’d ever cuddled like that. It was so intimate in position and atmosphere. Well, more than usual. Brian hadn’t meant to fall asleep, especially not with his lamp still turned on, especially not on Mat. 

—

Brian woke up to the sun shining, the birds chirping, and their morning woods rubbing together. He was confused before realizing it was sorta okay because it was Mat after all. Not like it would matter, Brian liked Lily, the very unattainable and unreasonable, Lily. 

Brian tried to move but felt Mats arms tighten right below his shoulder blades. He couldn’t tell if Mat was asleep or not. But, Brian was definitely hoping he was. It was weird enough that he’d woken up in that position, but it was even weirder that their boners were pressed up against each other only separated by an assumed 3 layers of clothing. 

Being a teenage boy and having your already hard dick rub against anything is hell, but it’s worse when it’s your best friend. It’s so much fucking worse. Brian was trying to get out from Mats vice grip but it was an impossible task. 

Each time he moved, his dick would rub against Mats and he had to suppress a moan. Brian was sweating a lot. Like, more than usual. Sweat was running down his face and pooling in the dip of his spine. He was putting so much effort into getting away from Mat, not disturbing his sleep, and not moaning at every single move he made.  
It was a struggle, a serious struggle. Brian shifted his head a little and Mat let go. Brian sat up immediately and looked at Mats face. He was trying to see if his friend was awake. After about 5 seconds of silent staring, Brian decided he was being– in his words–“really fucking weird.” So, he stood up carefully. 

He then stepped over Mat and turned off the lamp on his desk. He sighed in relief while he squinted to look at the alarm clock next to the lamp. “5:03 AM,” Brian breathed out quietly, “shit, why am I awake?” 

He heard the home phone ringing from down the hall. He sighed before walking out of his room and down the hallway. He picked up the phone when he reached it.  
“Hello,” Brian answered with a twinge of annoyance evident in his voice.

“This is an automated voice messaging system,” the voice said over the phone, “Pascack Hills High School will be on a two hour delay today- Friday, February, fifth, because of the inclimate weather. Please, stay alert as the conditions may worsen, thank you.” Brian put the phone on the receiver. He was relived. 

He’d woken up feeling weird and it was too early to deal with people’s bullshit. Even though, when he thought about it, he’d had one of the best nights of sleep of his life.  
He shrugged before walking blindly to the bathroom. He groped the wall searching for an empty space. Eventually his hand went through the wall. He found himself fumbling to turn the light on. Once he could see clearly he closed the door quietly behind him. He scrubbed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. 

“Brian,” he demand, “you will not make a move on Lily.” His intentions were genuine and surprisingly (even to himself) his words sounded genuine. He reached over and turned the shower on. 

He took off his shirt and his boxers. His bare feet shuffled on the rug in front of the tub and tentatively he stepped in. Warm water fell on his face and he moaned remembering that he was in fact very hard.

 

He slowly moved his right hand down his body while closing his eyes. His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment. He couldn’t get Mat out of his head. And maybe if he just jacked-off this one time to the memory of Mat pressed against him, nobody would ever know.

—

Two hours had passed and Mat begrudgingly woke up, after about 15 minutes of Brian bothering the shit out of him. Brian had smiled triumphantly before being knocked over by Mat tackling him to the bed. 

Mat was being really touchy, Brian had noticed and it’s not like he minded. He really liked his best friend and if he needed to be comforted, then who better for the job?  
Brian had ushered Mat to the bathroom and told him to, “please take a shower, Matty. It’ll make ya feel better I promise.” And Mat with hair all over the place and bags under his eyes that seemed to weigh him down, just nodded in response before closing the door in Brian’s face.

The phone rang again and Brian almost didn’t pick it up. But he did and he was glad he did because he heard that school was closed for the day with his own two ears. He cheered before bounding towards the kitchen. Weirdly, no one was in there so he went to the garage to see both of his parents cars gone. He shrugged before going back to kitchen and seeing a note on the counter next to the sink.

“Brian,” it read in his Mother’s messy cursive writing, “your dad and I have work today. Please, Behave. Love, Mom and Dad.”  
Oh, okay, Brian thought and put the note back down. His stomach grumbled. He considered just eating cereal before he remembered that Mat wasn’t in a good place and maybe something home cooked would make him feel a little better. 

So, Brian looked up how to make French toast. It didn’t look that hard to make. He could totally pull it off. He just needed some eggs, some milk, cinnamon, vanilla extract, and bread. He’d be totally fine.

He was totally not fine and he definitely couldn’t pull this off. “French toast” was stuck to the ceiling and he had egg dripping down the back of his leg. But whatever ended up on Mats plate looked edible. 

“What the fuck,” Mat whispered stopping to take in the mess.

“I made you French toast,” Brian chirped and smiling while looking at Mat proudly.

Mat questioned sardonically,“French toast?” Brian nodded and tried not to shiver in discomfort when the egg continued to drip down his leg.

Mat cracked a smile. And then that one stray piece of French toast that was on the ceiling fell straight onto Brian’s head. Mat burst into a fit of laughter. To Brian there couldn’t ever have been a better sound.

—

Brian and Mat were watching the old Spiderman cartoons. Not like either one of them was paying attention. Brian had dozed off about 3 episodes ago and Mat had dozed off about 5 episodes ago. Somehow they managed to get tangled together, in two very different and uncomfortable positions. 

—  
After that snow day things between them seemed different, but Brian couldn’t put a finger on what exactly it was. But he did knew it wasn’t a bad thing per se, it was just different. 

Brian also noticed a change in himself. He found himself feeling less for Lily, and he was glad for the gradual reduction in his feelings for her. Not that he had a reason to dislike her, besides her being Mats ex.

Not that he knew why Lily and Mat broke up. Mat had refused to tell him. Brian wasn’t going to force Mat into revealing any information he didn’t want to, but that didn’t stop him from wondering what really went down. To Brian, the possibilities were endless. But he was going to let it rest until Mat was ready.

Mat was ready after two weeks of evading Brian’s concerned glances. Brian wasn’t so sure he wanted to hear about it. He’d come to terms with not knowing, and in that moment when he was about to figure everything out, he suddenly felt a knot in his stomach. Something didn’t feel right. He suddenly didn’t want to know.

They’d skipped gym for the first time all semester, granted the semester had only started a week before. They were sitting in Brian’s car with the heat turned all the way up. 

“Okay,” Mat wheezed out, “I’m gonna tell you–right now–why she broke up with me.”

Brian suddenly felt like he’d managed to swallow his own lung. He couldn’t find the words to reply so he just nodded slowly in return. 

“She said she liked you better,” Mat croaked out and Brian felt like he was hallucinating. Maybe he was, he was hoping he was. 

“I sorta shrugged and told her that I figured it would happen, ‘cause you’re good looking and all that jazz,” Mat sorta laughed out looking straight out the windshield. He didn’t immediately start talking again after that, and the dull hum of the heater tried to cut through the atmosphere. 

Mat took a deep breath before continuing, “she got all appalled and said that I should’ve at least been a little mad because she was my girlfriend after all. She then managed to accuse me of cheating on her with some girl I don’t even known!” Mat sounded exasperated towards the end. Like, reliving the whole endeavor was draining him of all his energy. 

“Then,” Matt declared, “she called me a heartless bastard, told me we were over and left. I haven’t heard from her since.” Brian didn’t know what to say or do. It wasn’t every day that weird random shit like that happened and it totally implicated him. He had nothing to do with Lily’s weird manipulative rant. 

“Fuck her,” Brian mumbled after a really long internal debate about what would be best to say. Mat snorted and leaned as far back into the seat as possible. The windows were fogged up and they couldn’t see outside. It was kinda cool, or would’ve been if Brian didn’t feel even more guilty about the break-up than he had before. 

They sat there in a pregnant silence of despair. The time ticked on and the windows stayed fogged. Eventually Brian started to draw on the driver’s side window. He drew your standard smiley face. Of course, that made Mat laugh and Brian laughed and they kinda just laughed together, until everything was suddenly quiet again. Brian was looking at Mat and Mat was looking at Brian. 

Brian smiled, a smile that Mat returned. 

—

Things were even more different after that. Not that Brian was complaining. Mat would just snuggle up to him more when they hung out. It wasn’t a big deal. They were best friends and Mat was still reeling over his bizarre break-up with Lily from about three months back. Brian wasn’t questioning that, not at all.

He was questioning any feelings he had ever had for Lily. Over the last three months she had been on a mission to make Mats life a living hell. She’d proven to be everything Brian despised in a person. 

That lead to him absolutely not having a crush on her anymore. He sorta kinda hated her. But hate was a strong word and Brian was trying to not use strong words for strong feelings he didn’t want to have. 

Brian just wanted to be indifferent towards her. His “hate” was fueling her rampage even more. And Mat was somehow the calm one in the situation. He was the one that had to talk Brian down from saying a few choice words. Brian couldn’t understand how Mat was that calm. 

Brian would’ve been flipping shit if he was asked, but he never was so he never said it out loud. That didn’t stop him from thinking it. Actually, nothing stopped Brian from thinking terrible things that ranged from exacting his revenge on Lily to weird sexual fantasies that were increasing in frequency. 

They weren’t deep web fantasy weird, they were more like “I keep on having wet dreams, and daydreams about a certain best friend of mine, but that’s fine”. Brian kept on convincing himself that it was his mind putting a face to his wet dreams and that it would all blow over soon enough. 

—

The feelings did not blow over. They actually intensified, and Brian found himself getting flustered around Mat. But Brian wasn’t gay, okay? He really wasn’t. Like, how could he like guys? They were gross and stuff. 

Okay, that wasn’t a valid argument but Brian wasn’t trying to be logical, or valid, or jack shit. He was trying to live his fucking life without having a weird crush on his best friend. 

It probably didn’t help that Brian was a junior and Mat was only a freshman. He felt really fucking weird about this whole situation. Like more weird and unsure than he’d ever felt in his entire life. He knew, topically at least, that he couldn’t have a crush on Mat. Well, couldn’t as in it was socially unacceptable. Then he remembered that he hadn’t given a single fuck about what was socially acceptable until that moment. 

Brian also knew that Matt was straight and as far as anyone else knew so was Brian. So, maybe it’d go away and he’d be able to move on. He’d tell Mat about it when they were well into their twenties and they’d laugh about how absurd it was. 

It’d be great. 

But then Brian would get this sinking feeling like something wasn’t right. Like all this negation of his feelings was doing him harm. He couldn’t deny it forever, but that’s what Brian considered himself good at. So, he subconsciously decided he was going to deny these feelings. 

Because he wasn’t gay, nope. He liked women. They were beautiful and soft and had long hair and pretty smiles. He’d be fine. This would all pass. 

Brian tried his best to ignore his existential crisis because he had more important things to worry about. He still need to take his SAT’s and he had a track meet coming up. He was busy okay? He didn’t have time to deal with it. 

But the more he tried to avoid this impending crisis the more he thought about it. And it would be hard not to when he was always hanging out with Mat anyways. It wasn’t like Mat knew what was up and Brian was trying really hard to not let Mat find out.

That was becoming increasingly hard to do. They were having sleepovers more often and that meant Mat would eventually hear Brian saying something in his sleep. This fear made Brian act all weird and wake up during the night in a cold sweat. Usually, that’d wake Mat up, and Brian would have to come up with some bullshit excuse as to why he’d suddenly jolted up in bed. 

Because of course, they always slept on the same bed. Even when Brian insisted he sleep on the floor because they both had twin sized mattresses, but Mat would refuse. He wanted to cuddle up against Brian’s bare chest, overheat during the night to wake up panting, sweaty, and red.

Brian could hardly say no to Mat. No and Mat couldn’t actually go in the same sentence for Brian. Meaning, he didn’t want to disappoint Mat, but if Brian didn’t want to do something he’d say no. 

Essentially, he was more fucked than when he liked Lily. And he was even more panicked. It was the type of panic that made people become hermits. And Brian was already packing his bags, because he didn’t want to face any of it.

But of course Mat was making it hard because he kept giving Brian these really funny looks. It’s not like Brian couldn’t tell that Mat totally knew something was up, but he didn’t know what. And Brian was totally not ready to have that conversation with Mat. 

Eventually, Brian caved and googled “how do you know you’re gay?” Like, that wasn’t the most teen thing to do ever. But of course he didn’t actually give a fuck about that, he just needs some answers. At that point any answer would be a godsend. 

He tumbled across weird yahoo asks with insulting answers. None of them helpful. But after some time he did come across the Kinsey scale and he took it wondering what could possibly go wrong. 

Well, he figured, I’m not gay. The scale had indicated that he was a three. That was still distressing. He didn’t want to be bisexual. He didn’t want to be anything but straight. He knew he couldn’t help it, but that didn’t stop him for googling, “how do I make myself straight?” Brian clicked on the first link before deciding that it was bullshit, everything was bullshit, and his life sucked. 

He didn’t want to accept it and of course a scale couldn’t tell him how gay he was. He decided to dig further and searched through definitions of sexualities. For the next week he found himself going home and reading definitions, trying to match them with how he felt. 

Maybe, Brian thought, if I give what I’m feeling a name, it’ll be easier to accept. Then, Brian came across the definition for pansexual.

“Pansexuality,” Brian read aloud in a quiet voice at 3 am, “is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction to people of any gender as long as they have a strong emotional attachment to them.” 

Something clicked for Brian. It made total sense. He thought back to Dylan and his weird infatuation for the boy. I’d been back in the sixth grade when he changed for P.E. in a locker room for the first time. He couldn’t help but stare at the muscles in Dylan’s back. Of course he’d been really good friends with Dylan and didn’t want to think about how “weird” he was being.

Brian thought back to his first girlfriend, Sara. The girl who took his virginity and one of his best friends from camp. And then thought about their mutual friend Tyler and how they kissed on a dare. And of course he thought back to Lily. 

He realized that he didn’t give a flying fuck about a person’s gender in relation to his attraction to them. It was sorta obvious now that he’d thought about it. He’d never been attracted to someone he hadn’t already been really good friends with, and that included Tyler. It was sort of freeing in a confining way.

And of course all his feelings for Mat felt justified. Brian still didn’t feel comfortable, but he felt better. He finally knew what sexuality he was, but how was he going to come to terms with it? Would his parents accept him? Would his friends? Would he be shunned?

Brian was scared and he didn’t know who to turn to. Instead of calling anyone he cried on his bed until the sun rose and his eyes stung. Everything fucking sucked and Brian didn’t want to go to school. He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to do anything. 

So, he didn’t. 

He complained of a migraine and his Mother, having mercy on him, let him stay home under the condition he relax. He spent the day freaking out. So much so, that he actually got a migraine.

Mat got worried and showed up 15 minutes after school ended. Brian was surprised to see Mat, and he didn’t actually feel like seeing him because he was in a shitty mood. And when he was in a shitty mood he tended to snap at everyone and he didn’t want to snap at Mat. 

But Brian was bad at saying no to Mat. He let Mat in the house and they sat at opposite ends of the couch while watching the local news. It was awkward. Brian could tell Mat wanted to ask what was wrong, but he definitely wasn’t ready to talk about it. He had to come to terms with his sexuality first before coming out to anyone. 

“Bri,” Mat beckoned opening up his arms. Brian hesitated at first before crawling into Mats lap and let himself cry on Mats shoulder. Mat didn’t ask any questions and just let Brian cry until he couldn’t anymore. 

Later Brian’s mother texted him to let him know she’d be late, and he already knew his dad was on a business trip. Brian relaxed and let himself be cuddled by Mat. They stayed like that up until they heard his Mother’s car in the garage.

—  
It took a very long time for Brian to come to terms with who he was. He decided to come out to his parents first and they were insanely proud of him. After that he was left with telling Mat. 

And that task, to Brian, was much more daunting, because in telling Mat that he was Pansexual, he’d also be compelled to tell him that he had a crush on him. That’d be the tricky part. 

Brian was very tempted to not tell Mat. His feelings were getting easier to hide, but things weren’t getting easier. He felt like he was going to have to deal with his heart aching for the rest of his life. And it didn’t help that Mat was starting to snap at Brian. He’d get upset over the tiniest of things. Not that Brian didn’t know why, he did.  
He could tell that Mat felt betrayed and hurt by the secret he was keeping. But Brian was trying his hardest to continue on like normal, like nothing was different, but everything was already so different. 

It was the last day of school when Brian finally gathered up the nerve to tell Mat that he was Pansexual. The sun was setting and they’d gone up to the party spot by the lake they always went to. They sat on a small cliff and drank warm beer while eating rapidly melting ice cream. 

The waves crashed below them and the breeze ruffled through their clothes. Overall, Brian couldn’t imagine a more amazing way to end one of the most stressful years of his life.

“Look,” Mat had said breaking the silence, “I know you haven’t told me something important, ‘cause you’re acting all weird.” Brian felt his heart pound against his ribcage so hard he was afraid it would break right through and flop into the lake. 

“Um,” Brian had uttered before taking a large gulp of the beer in his right hand. Mat turned to look at Brian. He’d looked so beautiful as the shadows of the trees above them danced on his face. The setting sun illuminated half of Mats face, making his brown eyes look hypnotizing. 

“Did, I do something wrong?” Mat wondered aloud voice breaking on the last word. Brian rushed to say, “No, no, no, no, no, no.” But he was still unsure on how to even begin to tell Mat that he wasn’t straight.

Mat looked down before softly crying,“then what’s wrong?” Brian felt like he couldn’t do anything right. He’d been a shitty friend, again. He was starting to second guess every decision he’d ever made to lead them up to that moment. Brian even thought about how much better Mat would be if they’d never become friends.

“Mat, I’m,” Brian felt the words get caught in his throat, “Pansexual.” Mat looked up and tilted his head.

“That’s it?” Mat questioned while a smile spread across his face.

“Yeah?” Brian responded confused. 

“Oh, okay,” Mat grinned brightly and looked back out to the lake.

It wasn’t nearly as bad as Brian thought it would be. It actually went a lot better than Brian expected it to, even if he hadn’t known what to expect. Brian looked out at the lake as well and watched the water ripple reflecting the rays of the sun. 

—

It was a breezy mid July night, and somehow, Mat had convinced Brian that breaking into their town pool after closing was a good idea. Brian had snagged his bathing suit on the fence and it tore when he was trying to get over before the security camera turned and spotted him. Mat laughed from the other side breathlessly. 

Brian was grumpy because his damn swim trunks were ripped from his knee up to just below his hip bone. And he didn’t know why shit like that always happened to him. But he didn’t let it bother him as much as he usually would’ve, because the experience was straight out of a teen movie.

He followed Mat through rows of stacked lawn chairs complaining the entire time about how fucking cold it was and how it was even colder with the rip. Mat just rolled his eyes and snorted. 

When they made it to the pool, Mat ran towards it and jumped in splashing Brian intentionally. Mat swam around for a bit before getting out. 

“I forgot to take my shirt off,” Mat complained as he got out, the puke green shirt sticking to his body. Brian laughed at him. He set everything down about six feet from the pool. He took off his own shirt before sitting at the edge of the pool. A couple of feet behind him Mat took off his shirt and threw it on the grass. 

Mat walked back into the pool and swam underneath the mostly still water. Brian could barely make out Mats silhouette as we swam up to him. Mat surfaced and slotted himself in between Brian’s legs. 

“Come ‘ere,” Mat rasped softly looking up at Brian, “I wanna tell you something.” Brian’s eyebrow shot up in response. But like stated before Brian was bad at saying no to Mat, so he leaned in. Matt still had to go on his tippy toes to reach Brian’s ear. “Can I kiss you?” Mat asked his breath tickling Brian’s ear. 

Brian’s face flushed a deep dark red of embarrassment but he nodded not trusting his own voice. Mat pulled away a bit before grabbing Brian’s chin and bringing Brian’s face to his. Mat looked over Brian’s features almost as if asking, “dude, are you totally sure you wanna do this?” Brian certainly wasn’t going to object. 

And Mat leaned in.

Mats lips ghosted over Brian’s. The water had grown eerily still and the crickets chirping sounded like a peanut gallery. Brian was sorta getting desperate but he didn’t want to risk it. He didn’t want to risk Mat pulling away. 

Mat pressed his lips firmly against Brian’s and carelessly nipped at his bottom lip. Brian shamelessly moaned and Mat slyly slipped his tongue into Brian’s mouth.  
Of all the things Brian could’ve been thinking about, he thought about how Mat even knew how to kiss like that because it was fucking amazing. They pulled apart, breathing hard. Mat just backed up and swam away like nothing happened. 

After that night Brian was more confused than before. He realized that before he could even talk to Mat about the kiss, they needed to talk about Lily again. Without resolving what happened with Lily, Brian felt they wouldn’t be able to continue with whatever they were now.

They’d never actually talked about the whole “Lily liking Brian” thing and it was looming on their friendship like an oncoming tempest. 

It was the end of the month before Brian finally brought the whole Lily thing up. He didn’t want to fuck with their friendship, but Lily had kinda fucked that up anyways, all the way back in February. 

Mat was sitting across from Brian on the bed. They weren’t sitting far from each other. Actually, they were in such close proximity that their knees were touching. 

“Mat, aren’t you mad that Lily said she liked me?” Brian asked slowly as they sat in his room. Rain poured from the sky forcing them to stay inside. 

“Nah,” Mat responded humming along to Seventy Times 7. Brian thought it was kind of fitting. 

“Why not,” Brian prodded further trying to get more than a one worded answer.

“Cause,” Mat said turning to look at Brian, “she was lying.” Wow, okay, ow, Brian thought. Was he not good enough or something? Mat could see Brian’s face contorting and felt the mood shift from a light one to a dark and heavy one. 

Mat tried explaining, “No, I didn’t mean it like that.” Brian sighed and looked expectantly at Mat.

“She was trying to fuck with me, because she knows how much you mean to me,” Mat sincerely spoke. Brian’s features softened as he took in Mats words. A light blush coated his cheeks. He looked down and laughed a little.

Brian sighed out after a few seconds,“Okay.”

“Mat,” Brian added, “what about the kiss?” Brain immediately regretted asking it and buried his face into his hands. Of all the things he could’ve said, he said that. 

“What about it?” Mat obviously teased Brian. 

“What did it mean?” Brian asked his voice muffled by his hands. 

“Hmm,” Mat hummed pretending to be thinking, “I guess it means I like you.”

Brian squealed a little, which of course, further embarrassing himself. 

“Hey, look at me,” Mat cooed at Brian hoping to make his best friend look at him. Brian hesitated before looking at Mat. Brian’s face was bright red, his eyes wide and lips slightly parted. 

“Can I kiss you?” Mat asked a warm smile on his face.

“Fuck yeah,” Brian responded before placing his hands on either side of Mats face and pulling him close. He pressed his lips to Mats and soon, they were making out. Mats hands were on the back of Brian’s neck, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into Brian’s skin. 

Brian hadn’t known what home tasted like until he’d made out with Mat. And everything just felt so right. He didn’t feel those stupid fireworks everyone says you have to feel. No, he felt a sense of belonging, a sense of rightfulness, a sense of home. 

“Wow,” Mat gasped when they broke apart. 

“Holy shit,” Brian rasped as he tried to catch his breath. 

“Go out with me,” Mat asked staring at Brian, his thumbs still rubbing circles on Brian’s neck, “like on a date?” Brian almost didn’t respond because he thought it was a given. But he liked that Mat was asking. He liked that Mat cared about his well being. 

“Yeah, okay,” Brian agreed before pulling Mat into another kiss.

They went out a week after that to a diner just outside of town. It was a hot August day. Like, really hot and Brian couldn’t stop sweating, and he was starting to get sweat stains on the shirt he was wearing.

He rolled the windows down as he drove to Mats house. He’d be damned if he looked like he jumped into a fucking lake before their first date. He pulled into Mats driveway and before he could get out, Mat was already opening the passenger’s side door. Brian pouted and crossed his arms across his chest. He wanted to be chivalrous and open Mats door.

“You wanted to open the door for me didn’t you?” Mat smirked while putting on his seatbelt.

“Maybe,” Brian said while pulling out of Mats driveway. The drive was filled with light chatter about what kind of food they would get.

When they got there they calmly walked in, or pretended to, because Brian was slightly shaking and Mat kinda looked like he was gonna puke. The waitress looked at them weird while she lead them to their table. They both ordered water as she handed them their menus. She nodded before leaving them alone. 

They sat in a very uncomfortable silence that consumed their table only. Brian was looking at the menu as an attempt to not look at Mat. But eventually he caved and peeked up from the milkshake section.

“Okay, what the fuck,” Mat spoke up from across the table, “Why is this so weird?” Brian sighed in relief before laughing. Mat didn’t know why Brian was laughing but soon he was laughing along with him. 

“I mean, nothing’s that different so we should just be ourselves,” Brian suggested after their laughter died down. 

“Okay, yeah,” Mat agreed and everything felt a lot less tense after that.

Towards the end of the date they somehow managed to talk about Lily. And Brian might’ve mentioned that he had liked her. He was just trying to be honest with Mat, but Mat just looked really offended. He hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings. He hadn’t meant to fuck everything up so early, or so fucking quickly. The ride back was awkward and the conversation strained. 

Mat told Brian he needed some space.

After 2 months Brian decided that it was too much fucking space. Mat didn’t answer his calls or texts and avoided him during school. Brian was miserable and he wished he’d never told Mat anything. 

Brian was stuck with people that didn’t even bother to ask him how his day was. He fucking hated his friends and their sick sad way of having fun. So, he isolated himself and spent more time on things that kept his mind off of his deteriorating social life. 

He ran in the mornings. Not around the block, he drove to a trail and ran as many as six miles. He had more time to himself now that he didn’t drive Mat to school anymore. And Brian actually took as much time as he needed on his homework. It wasn’t something that he’d really done before, he’d usually try to finish it at soon as possible, but he had so much time. 

And he often found himself writing things about Mat. Mostly poems until they weren’t poems they were lyrics, and then they weren’t lyrics they were songs. He had way too much time. Time he didn’t want to have. If he thought about anything that wasn’t these activities his mind would drift to Mat. And he didn’t want to think about Mat anymore. 

He’d thought about Mat enough and instead of being mad he was sad. He was just so sad that he’d fucked things up. He missed his best friend but how could he fix things, if Mat was avoiding him like the plague?

—

Brian hadn’t seen that coming. Mat was dating Lily again and his whole fucking world felt like it was falling apart. He sorta felt like he was gonna puke, but in a really bad way. 

He felt sick to his stomach and things didn’t feel right. But he would hide his heartache. It wouldn’t get easier to see them together, but I’d get easier to hide. He was almost an adult (or he would be in June) he’d be able to handle it maturely.

—  
Okay, so he was wrong. He couldn’t handle it maturely, especially not when they would make out in front of him. He’d just walk away clenching his jaw and trying his hardest not to cry.

He didn’t know why Mat was doing this to him. He wanted to know why Mat was doing this to him. Now he was getting angry. He didn’t see the necessity in all this petty shit. Brian was just trying to survive his senior year. He didn’t need all the bullshit. 

He stopped hanging around the mutual friends he had with Mat. He grew even more isolated and concentrated even more on running and writing angsty poems about Mat. 

—

Brian applied to colleges on the west coast and as far north as Boston.

But he didn’t apply to one in New Jersey.

—

It was December and he was sitting outside on a swing at the park as the snow fell.The cold nipped at his nose, and he had stopped feeling his fingers a while ago. But like stated previously he couldn’t say no to Mat. Except this time he really hadn’t wanted to, honestly, but Mat had sounded desperate. 

Brian had a soft spot for him and he knew it’d be his downfall.

“Hey,” he heard from behind him. Brian turned around to face Mat.

“Hi,” Brian whispered already regretting agreeing to do this. 

“So, what’s up?” Brian asked while turning back around. Honestly, Brian was tired and he knew that if he looked at Mats face he probably wouldn’t be able to hold it together. Brian heard the crunching of snow behind him then next to him before he heard the swing next to him squeak.

“I’m sorry,” Mat pleaded breaking the silence.

“For what?” Brian quipped suddenly so very irritated, “fucking leaving me after I told you the truth about previously liking Lily? Or for not talking to me for the past five months? Or maybe it’s because you led me on, only to date Lily? I mean the possibilities are so fucking endless.” 

Brian was fuming and he couldn’t stop the tears that fell from his eyes. He didn’t understand how after treating him like shit, Mat expected for Brian to forgive him at the drop of a hat. 

“Do you even know how fucked up this has had me, Mat?” Brian cried shaking slightly and he didn’t know if it was because of the cold or the sudden surge of emotions. Mat stayed silent and looked up at the sky.

“I can’t fucking believe this,” Brian laughed out through his sobs, “ I really can’t fucking believe this.” Brian couldn’t understand what was happening. He was starting to believe this was a nightmare and he’d wake up and find that Mat still wasn’t talking to him.

“Bri, I was overwhelmed and then I started talking to Lily again… She’s pretty okay,” Mat tried to explain gently.

“Did you even like me like that? Did you use me?” Brian incredulously asked sniffling as he swiped the back of his hand on either cheek drying the tears before they froze.  
“Yeah, Brian! Of course I liked you but, I was mad, and I thought that she could make me forget,” Mat sighed and puffed his cheeks.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Brian demanded standing up, “I can’t fucking believe you, Mat.” 

“Now, I need some fucking space,” Brian hissed through the tears. And he left just like that, but Mat followed.

“Please, hear me out,” Mat begged having to jog to keep up with Brian’s fast pace.

“Mat, I need space right now,” Brian seethed through clench teeth and a set jaw. 

“Brian, please,” now Mat was crying and Brian was trying his hardest to ignore him.

“Bri,” Mat hiccuped choking back a sob.

Brian stopped abruptly and screamed.

He screamed so loud he could hear it echo through the empty streets. Mat jumped a little when Brian started screaming but he waited until Brian stopped.

“I can’t do this right now,” Brian tiredly mumbled, his voice hoarse and his throat raw. 

Mat was sobbing by then and pleaded for Brian to hear him out. To just let him explain. But Brian didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t hear it. 

“I’m really hurt okay, Mat. You need to give me time, okay?” Brian spelled out as clearly as he could over Mats hysterical sobs.

“I just, I can’t lose you. You’re gonna leave and I’m gonna be alone and I don’t want you to hate me when you leave,” Mat blubbered as he hugged himself. 

“I, I’ll forgive you eventually, okay? But I can’t right now Mat,” Brian eventually elucidated stepping forward to hug Mat. “Because what you did was really shitty,” Brian added after a few moments.

Mat cried into Brian’s chest and clung to him for as long as he could. They stayed like that for a very long time. Brain couldn’t believe he was giving Mat a second chance, but that kid had his heart. 

Mat sniffled before mumbling,“You smell good.” Brian’s heart fluttered painfully in his chest and he remembered that night in February when Mat had said the same thing. He pulled away from Mat, patted his head and sent the kid home. 

Brian turned the other way and walked to his own house.  
After the exchange things didn’t go back to the way they were, but they did feel somewhat better. Brian could say hi to Mat in the hallway. Things were okay.

—

Then all of a sudden it was June and Brian was graduating. He was getting ready that morning feeling better than he had in months. He was wearing his cap and gown over his crisp suit.

“Finally,” Brian breathed looking at his reflection in the mirror. 

After the ceremony he went out with his parents to celebrate. It was fun and he liked spending time with them. They worked very hard to get him what he wanted and what he needed.

But that night he found himself taking a really big bong hit. His eyes were red and he really wanted to know if trees can feel it when you cut off a branch. His stomach grumbled and he got up from the couch passing the bong to someone else. He weaved through teenagers messily grinding on each other off beat, to a song no one knew the words to.

Anonymity was their friend and Brian didn’t know if he liked it or not. He tripped over his own feet once he entered the kitchen, that was in the basement. He didn’t know whose house it was but they were loaded.

He rummaged through the fridge before pulling out a jar of pickles. Brian took one out of the jar and moaned when he felt it crunch under the pressure of his teeth. It was probably the best thing he’d ever eaten or he was really fucking hungry. Either way he was fine and it tasted really good. And when he thought about it he felt really good.  
High school was over and he wasn’t wasting his time doing shit he didn’t want to do. He closed the fridge and turned around. But before he could move someone bumped into him causing pickle juice to spill on his shirt.

“Dude, now I have to take this off,” Brian wined setting the jar on the counter. He took of his shirt and placed it around the back of his neck. People around him started whooping and he blushed, a huge grin on his face. 

“Um,” Brian focused his eyes enough so he could see the person that had bumped into him. This guy had warm green eyes and a sly smile. He was much much shorter than Brian but his double dimpled lazy smile seemed to light up the whole room.

“M’ sorry, man,” the guy spoke lazily his doe eyes drooping. Brian realized the guys eyes were bloodshot, meaning he’d have to of been in the circle with him and the others.

“It’s whatever,” Brian laughed forgetting the pickles on the counter as he moved closer to the guy.

“What brings you here?” Brian tried flirting and he cursed himself. If he wasn’t good at flirting when he was sober, what made him think he’d be good when he was so high he could sit on cloud nine? The guy chuckled in response his demeanor relaxed. 

The words spilled out of Brian’s mouth, “I mean, besides the free booze and weed.” He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He decided he was just going to excuse himself lamely before going to get higher than he’d ever been before. 

“You’re so red,” the guy said as he brought his fingertips up to Brian’s cheek. Brian unintentionally leaned into the touch. Brian’s question was long forgotten.  
The guy smiled this really big beautiful smile before saying, “I’m Joe, by the way. And you are…” Brian almost didn’t answer. He was too caught up with the fingers still pressed against his cheeks. He flushed, cleared his throat then answered, “I’m Brian.” 

Joe chuckled and dropped his hand from Brian’s cheek. He took Brian’s hand and led him back to the circle. Everyone in the circle cheered because they were drunk and high and two dudes “holding” hands—if you could even call it that— was too much for their clouded minds to comprehend respectfully. But Brian didn’t mind and Joe minded even less. 

Brian ended up passing out in the bathtub. He woke up because some asshole decided it would be funny as hell to turn the shower on. Brian woke up to find himself soaked. His curls stuck to his forehead and his clothes stuck to his body. He tumbled out of the bathtub as quickly as he could. He shook his head trying to dry his hair. The person that turned the water on was long gone.

Brian was disappointed because he couldn’t even seek revenge. He plunged his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone. When he turned it on and it still worked he sighed in relief. He saw that he had a new text and grinned when he saw that it was from Joe. 

Brian left the house leaving wet footprints in his wake. His feet sloshed uncomfortably around in his shoes. It was really fucking annoying. He stopped on the sidewalk and took of his shoes and socks and walked the walk of shame in relative peace. The sun was just rising, and Brian felt like it was a new beginning for him.  
And it was. 

Later that day he texted Joe and they hung out at the skatepark at around noon. He tried to teach Brian a few tricks, and it made him remember all those times Mat had tried to teach him the same ones. He was still filled with this immense sense of betrayal and sadness because of what Mat had done, so much so, that he almost cried. He had to excuse himself in a rush leaving Joe puzzled. Brian returned after walking to a Convenience Store close by and buying two water bottles. The entire walk there and back he was breathing hard and trying to get his feelings under control. He didn’t want to cry, yet again, over Mat. Joe welcomed him back with a big lazy smile and thanked Brian for the water he had gotten him. Brian appreciated that Joe didn’t mention his abrupt departure. 

After that they hung out a lot more. Brian felt like he could just exist with Joe and it was all he could ask for. They would get high just hanging out with mutual friends. Then one night they found themselves at the local park at 3 am, when it was too early to lie. Somehow, Brian had ended up spilling everything that happened with Mat. And like the good friend he was, Joe listened as best he could, considering he was high and so was Brian. 

Brian hadn’t planned on telling Joe everything in that way. He was a mess, tears rushed down his face and snot coated his upper lip. He was at his most vulnerable and at his worst. He didn’t want to scare Joe away, but instead Joe softly asked if he could hug him. Brian nodded before being enveloped in Joe’s arms. Brian buried his head into Joe’s chest.

Joe sighed, “Your hair smells so good.” Brian almost pulled away. It was all too much, but he needed someone to hold him. He needed someone to secure him to the ground. 

—

After weeks of awkward flirting Joe asked Brian out. Brian was surprised but thrilled. They went to a diner for breakfast. The same diner Brian and Mat had gone to on the outskirts of their town.

At this point in late July, Brian was just ready to get out of his town, just like his favorite Brand New songs always talked about. He was ready to forget Mat. Oh, he was so ready for that.

He hated the bitter aftertaste of betrayal that clung to his tastebuds. He hated how his memory played tricks on him by reminding him of every fun thing he’d ever done with Mat, instead of everything that went wrong.

But Brian didn’t want to linger on those thoughts anymore, he wanted to linger on Joe. And almost as if on queue, Mat, Brian, and their parents walk in. Joe turned around before going pale. 

He looked at Brian with a look of pure empathy before asking, “should we just go?” Brian shook his head no and when the other Brian passed by he flashed a beautiful smile at him. Then came Mr. and Mrs. Uychich who stopped to say hello and ask Brian how he was doing. And finally came Mat. He meekly shuffled his feet waved a hello to Brian before scurrying over to his family. 

Brian was proud of himself. He had handled that so well. Or he had until Mat looked over at him and smiled this weird wobbly smile that had Brian’s insides churning. He knew that smile wasn’t right. He knew something was wrong, very very wrong. And his heart ached to help Mat, but he was on a date with Joe.  
Joe needed to be the prime focus of his attention. But Joe could see the desperate look on Brian’s features. He had known that asking Brian out was a long shot. He had always known Brian’s heart belonged with Mat, and it always would. 

“Go ask him what’s wrong, I’ll be here,” Joe insisted. When Brian went to say no, Joe just shook his head and kicked Brian’s left shin. “Okay,” Brian had pouted reaching down to rub his aching shin. 

He got up shin tingling from the swift kick. He walked over slowly, trying his best not to limp. Mat made eye contact with Brian, who motioned with his head to the bathroom ahead. He continued to walk to the bathroom before entering and going to one of the sinks lined up against the right wall.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like a different person. He looked fitter. His jawline sharp and a tuft of curly hair just barely touched his forehead. His collarbones and milky complexion contrasted against the blood red of the v-neck shirt, Joe said looked good on him a couple of weeks back. 

He looked good. He looked happy.

Mat walked into the bathroom and stood next to Brian. He didn’t look good. He almost looked the same as he had before except that his hair got longer and the bags under his eyes stretched miles. His skin wasn’t a healthy pale it was a sickly pale. He had gotten taller but was nowhere near as tall as Brian. 

“What’s wrong?” Brian spoke up breaking the silence. Mat wavered before signing and making eye contact with Brian via the reflection of the mirror. 

“My Dad’s just being an ass. Nothing new,” Mat stated blinking rapidly as tears welled in his eyes. Brian gritted his teeth. He hated Mat and Brian’s Father. He’d know him all his life and couldn’t find a way to sympathize with the cold and calculating man. 

“Wanna stay with me for a few days?” Brian asked not thinking his statement through, “tell Brian that he should come too. I’ll see you guys outside.” He turned on his heel and left. He walked past the Uychich’s table. He smiled at Mr. and Mrs. Uychich, and made eye contact with Brian before turning to look at where Joe was sitting playing on his phone. 

Shit, Brian thought, I’ve made a big mistake. 

He sat down across from Joe who slid his phone into this pocket. “So, how’d it go?” Joe asked truly interested. Brian was a little taken aback. He was 100% sure that he was supposed to be on a date with Joe. 

“Um, it was okay. And Brian and Mat are gonna come stay at my house for a bit,” Brian mumbled while looking down at the table.

“You’re a good friend Brian,” Joe answered leaning back in his chair, “you’d be an even better boyfriend. To bad you can’t be mine.” Brian almost passed out. Because what the fuck. What the ever loving fuck.

It took Brian a couple of seconds to semi compose himself and a couple more to think of something to say. He didn’t know how he was supposed to respond.

“Um, aren’t we on a date right now?” Brian asked after much internal deliberation. Joe leaned forward and smiled the same breathtaking smile he had plastered on his face the night they had met. He cleared his throat and said, “well, it was, but you’re definitely not over Mat.” 

Brian was so embarrassed. He was totally over Mat. He didn’t want to kiss him or anything like that. Or at least he thought he didn’t. But Joe was making him question his thoughts.

“Look how about I catch the bus home, and you all leave now?” Joe suggested, “it’s looking pretty tense over there.” Brian leaned to the left to get a better look at their table. Joe was definitely right. No one was talking and laughing. They were staring at their menus with tense gazes. 

Brian looked at Joe for some type of guidance, but he was getting up shoulders relaxed and a happy demeanor. He gave Brian a thumbs up before walking away and towards the exit. 

Brian really didn’t want to interrupt the Uychich’s tense breakfast, but something told him that Mat and Brian needed him and he wasn’t going to let them suffer through that. 

Somehow, he managed to convince Mr. and Mrs. Uychich to let their sons leave their family outing early. And that was how Brian found himself sitting in his piece of shit car with two people he thought he wouldn’t see again for a long long time. 

The silence was fucking awkward and there was nothing he could do to break it. So, the ride felt longer than it actually was. Brian was suffering he really was. He remembered a time when it was impossible to stay quiet around those two and now he couldn’t think of a word to say.

It was sad, really.

When they got to Brian’s house it was empty. Brian was expecting it to be considering his parents had gone to visit his grandparents up in Westchester, New York. They’d left yesterday and were to be gone for a little over a week. 

It’d be fine, Brian figured, as long as they didn’t completely trash the house. They toed off their shoes at the entrance and slammed the door behind them. Brian walked to the kitchen while the other Brian went to the bathroom. Mat laid down on the couch and turned the tv on. Brian called the pizza place while raiding the fridge. He wanted to make them comfortable and the only way he knew how was to make it the same it’d always been. 

But before Brian could even tell the other two boys he was ordering pizza the other Brian told him he’d be leaving because his girlfriend called. He didn’t even wait to hear a repose before he was back at the door putting his shoes on. He left while shouting a“be safe kiddos” over his shoulder.

Brian was freaking out a little because he was alone with Mat. The same boy that tore his heart in two. Okay, so he was freaking out a lot. Could you blame him?  
He was a mess, and not even the good kind of mess. He sighed and switched off the lights in the kitchen. He sat on the floor next to Mat’s head. His back was resting against the couch. 

“Hey,” he had tentatively offered as a peace offering. 

“Hey,” Mat had lazily answered.

“Are you alright?” Brian questioned turning to look at Mat’s face.

“I am now,” Mat breathed out, he looked Brian in the eye, “God I missed you.” Brian blushed and cleared his throat. This boy had him feeling so many different things both good and bad, granted they were mostly good feelings. 

“Did you?” Brian quipped back looking back at Mat, who was still looking at him.

“Yeah,” Mat laughed out before getting serious, “I’m really sorry about before.” Brian was a little taken aback. Was Mat going to apologize again? That’d be complete and utter bullshit. 

“I’m, I like you Brian. Like, so much. And Lily wasn’t worth losing you. I should’ve known,” Mat offered as an explanation. 

“Now, that’s not fucking fair,” Brian said getting up and backing away from Mat. 

“I was finally almost over you,” Brian squeezed out of his throat. 

“Can we please start over?” Mat pleaded getting up and trying to approach Brian. But Brian moved back with every step that Mat took.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Brian suggested, mostly trying to convince himself.

“Brain, please,” Mat begged on the verge of tears. Brian took one look at the boy before him and felt his defenses fall.

“Okay, but you gotta promise me one thing,” Brian negotiated. 

“Anything,” Mat countered and looked down at his sock covered feet.

“You’ve gotta tell me everything from the very bringing of this shit,” Brian demanded.

“Alright,” Mat complied before turning around and sitting on the couch. The tv was still on providing background noise, in the reminding Brian that this was happening. Mat patted the space beside him on the couch and Brian slowly made his way their before sitting down. 

“When we went on our date, and you mentioned that you liked Lily, it made me feel like everything she’d said was true. I thought that she cheated on me with you and it kinda broke my heart. I mean I liked–I mean like–you and she’s treated me like shit for such a long time. It was hard to deal with,” Mat detailed while looking straight ahead at the tv. Brian wanted to comfort him, but he felt like it wasn’t the right time. 

Mat continued after a brief pause, “then I went to confront her. I needed to know if she’d lied.” Mats voice broke on the word lied, cutting Brian’s conscience deep making it bleed guilt. Brian should’ve waited. He should’ve waited until Mat was 100% ready. 

“Look, it’s okay if you don’t want to continue,” Brian offered from where he sat. He still hasn’t offered Mat any physical form of comfort.

“No, you deserve to hear this,” Mat insisted before clearing his throat. 

Mat took a deep breath before continuing,“I went to her house and instead of seeing her being her usual grumpy self, I saw her crying. She hugged me. She asked for me back and of course you know that I said yes.”

Brian was appalled at the entire situation. Communication would’ve saved them all this heartache. 

“Why didn’t you come to me, and ask me? Why didn’t you let me explain? Why didn’t you trust me?” Brian said trying to not let the betrayal be heard in his voice.  
“It’s hard for me, Bri. It’s not easy for me like it is for you,” Mat tried explain, but instead he sounded like an asshole.

“It’s not easy for me,” Brian snapped, “but I care enough about you, that I want you to know why I’m upset. I want you to know my secrets so you know I won’t lie to you. So, Mat that’s a bullshit excuse.”

Brian was fuming. He didn’t understand why Mat thought this was easy for him. He hated being vulnerable, but he’d be vulnerable if it meant he could be with mat. But was Mat even willing to be vulnerable for Brian?

“I’m just bad at sharing my feelings, but I promise I’ll do my best if it means I can be with you,” Mat exclaimed moving closers to Brian. He looked took in Brian’s features.  
“Fuck, I missed you,” Mat commented. Brian chortled and flashed a smile at Mat. 

“I missed you too,” Brian signed out feeling the anger leave with his words. 

“Can I hug you?” Mat questioned opening his arms. Brian nodded yes before burying his face into Mat’s chest. Mat’s arms encircled Brian and pulled him closer to himself.  
“Your hair smells so good,” Mat mumbled as he buried his face into Brian’s hair. This time, it felt right to hear someone say that, especially since that someone was Mat.

“Hey, Mat,” Brian asked, his voice muffled.

“Yeah,” Mat responded.

“Can I kiss you?” Brian inquired.

“Fuck yeah,” Mat insisted. 

Brian freed himself from the embrace before Mat pulled Brian by his chin. He kissed Brian roughly. Their teeth clashed against each other’s. And it was painful, but so was being in love, and neither of them wanted the pain to stop.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, please comment what you think! Also, if you guys think I should tag this as underaged because of the implied j/o (Brian in the shower just refresh your memory) please let me know. I wasn't sure about tagging it that because it's just implied and he didn't actually do anything (well I didn't go into vivid detail because he was 17 and that's illegal or well not illegal but gross because he was underaged. Or well probably both...) RIGHT! I got distracted! PLEASE comment your thoughts! Thank you all for reading!


End file.
